Losing you to the unknown
by aznjtgirl
Summary: More than anything, Hikaru hated not knowing. It just wasn't fair. His love was something reserved for Touya and Touya alone. oneshot akihika


I picked up this manga over the weekend and was inspired to write this piece. It's a departure from my usual style; the bulk of the story is told through thoughts instead of actual dialogue. please read and review, I want to know how well I did on it.

disclaimer: I don't own HikaGo or anything associated with it.

* * *

Hikaru stepped off the train excitedly. It had been a few months since he had really been able to see Touya. Both of them had been tied up with conflicting schedules and even though they had seen each other at tournaments and on game days, they hadn't been able to spend time catching up. Touya's visit to China to see his parents had been poorly timed, but Hikaru didn't begrudge his friend the visit. It was important to stay connected to family.

Nevertheless, Touya really hadn't changed much. In the eight years since they'd met at the go salon, Touya was no different from his twelve-year-old self. He was still obsessed with go, still had the same feminine haircut, and still had no idea how to socialize, especially with the opposite sex. Hikaru had heard about countless omiai sessions Touya's mother had arranged for him.

Touya was really different from the rest of Hikaru's friends. Waya and Isumi both had found girls to date. Isumi actually spent quite a bit of time with Takamura. She wasn't a go player or anything, but she was able to understand work constraints since her own life was consumed by work. She spoke four languages fluently and had to constantly travel all over Japan for work as a translator. Hikaru had only met her twice, but she seemed to be a thin stick of energy with the inability to sit still. It had annoyed him a little bit before, but he supposed if Isumi was happy, then things would be fine. After all, Hikaru didn't have to spend all his spare time with the crazy woman.

Finally, Hikaru found himself in front of Touya's door. He was a little early, but he was sure Touya wouldn't mind. He turned the knob lightly and found the door to be open, which wasn't really surprising since Touya was probably home.

Touya had never given any inclination that he had any romantic interests in his life. Go had consumed his time since childhood and he had known nothing else, especially with such intimacy. It was thanks to this that Touya had such a hard time trying to create a social life for himself. He just didn't know how to interact with people that weren't a part of the Go world. Touya's passion for go seemed to be the only romance in his life.

Hikaru knew all of this, of course, and yet there she was. A beautiful dark-haired girl was seated next to Touya on the sofa. There was a steaming cup of tea in her hand.

Jealousy consumed Hikaru as he watched Touya converse quietly with the dark-haired woman. How could it have turned out this way? Hadn't Touya resisted every omiai he'd been too? The go prodigy had told Hikaru personally that he preferred Hikaru's company to the company of any of those women. So why was he talking to this girl with such a comfortable familiarity?

Hikaru clenched his fist and spun around. He couldn't bear to watch the two of them any longer. He silently walked to the door, knowing that Touya hadn't seen him. Angrily, he wrenched it open, stepped through and slammed it shut behind him. He blinked back the angry tears in his eyes as he left Touya's apartment building.

Hikaru walked for several blocks aimlessly as he fumed with anger. He couldn't quite explain the terrible turmoil of emotions in his heart. Jealousy and betrayal were the foremost and they made his insides burn with a passion. Anger also coursed through him and it mixed in with the terrible pain that threatened to overtake his entire being. But what surprised him the most was the faint feeling of defeat.

Hikaru stopped walking right in front of a Korean Barbecue place. What was this horrible feeling of defeat? He didn't know why he was feeling so defeated already. He hadn't even met the girl yet! What was he backing down for already?

Hikaru had always hoped that the reason Touya had always declined the marriage requests was maybe because he had some inkling of feeling for Hikaru. As they had grown older, Hikaru had found himself becoming more and more attached to his friend in a way that he knew he probably shouldn't. He had brushed it off as a part of the intense rivalry the two shared and by the time he had figured out his feelings toward Touya, it was too late to change how he felt. No matter how you looked at it, he had fallen in love with Touya. Hikaru knew it was something that was reserved for Touya and Touya alone; he had no sort of romantic affection for Waya and Isumi.

Was this the sign that he'd been waiting for all along? Touya's feelings toward him were vague and confusing; he really had no idea how the other go player felt toward him. For all he knew, his love was completely and utterly one-sided. The hardest thing to deal with in his life was not a loss, but having no plausible idea about certain things. He'd held onto the small hope that Touya at least felt something, regardless of how small it was. They did spend an awful lot of time together after all, it wasn't impossible. Touya often invited him to his apartment and even let him stay the night when the weather was exceptionally bad or Hikaru just felt too tired to go home. Hikaru had felt guilty at first, but the practice eventually became routine.

Hikaru glared angrily at the ground, not caring that he was a probably being a traffic obstruction. The jealousy and betrayal, the most prominent emotions within him, seemed to take over his mood completely. If he wasn't carefully he would explode at the next person who tried to talk to him. He took a deep breath to steady himself and found that when he did, a sharp pain arose in his chest. He clutched a hand to his heart as if it was the source of all his problems, clawing at it like he could remove it.

There was a reason for all this, he knew. The gods weren't doing this just to spite him, right? Either way, it was time to start forgetting the love he had for the man who was his rival and best friend. Hikaru clenched his fist and proceeded to search for the nearest bar.

* * *

Akira poured another cup of tea for his guest. Surprisingly, Rie enjoyed black tea and actually preferred it to the traditional maccha. He wouldn't have expected that from her, but then again, Rie had really gone through a lot of changes since he'd last seen her. In the four years that she had gone to China, she had really found her place in the world; she seemed much more confident in herself than she'd been as a teenager. Her long dark hair complimented her pale, slender figure, but Akira wasn't sure if he should comment since his mother told him that the hair was a result of her last, rather nasty break up.

They had discussed their families for awhile. It had been too long, they both agreed, since they had last seen each other. Rie had noted when she walked in, that Akira was now a full head taller than her, even when she was wearing her heeled boots. Akira mused that she really hadn't seen him in a long time since the last time he really grew was a few years ago. Rie had laughed and admitted that it was her fault since she had taken off for China to study as a traditional Chinese dancer.

The banter had fallen back into the old patterns of their childhood, even with their meetings being as obscure as they were. The familiarity with which they interacted was only slightly surprising; they had known each other since childhood after all. His father had kept him playing go as often as possible and Akira hadn't objected to it, but his mother had done as much as she could to let him and Rie see each other. Akira remembered a very different Rie from the one he was seeing now; a boisterous Rie not unlike his rival Shindou.

Now there was a man who'd really changed. Akira had heard of Shindou's immense growth as an insei and then as a pro. He had really calmed down and settled into his life as a pro with an unexplainable grace. Shindou had not lost his ability to socialize comfortably, however, and Akira was slightly jealous. He had spent every waking moment doing something that involved go since he could walk. Shindou, on the other hand, had come to be a go player much later, waiting until he was twelve to develop his interest in the game. His time before that had given him the necessary social skills and he knew how to properly interact with people his age. Akira could only maintain his infallible politeness toward others.

While Shindou was fairly easy to read, however, Akira found him to be a sort of enigma. Shindou sent mixed signals to him and Akira couldn't be sure how the boy felt toward him. Shindou was ridiculously friendly toward him, even with their rivalry and friendship, but he knew Shindou tended to act in a similar manner with Waya and Isumi. Akira had never seen him give any romantic inclination towards the other two go players, but then again, he'd never seen Shindou give romantic inclinations toward anyone really.

Akira was jerked out of his thoughts rather violently at the sound of the door slamming shut. Rie looked at him in alarm, and he wondered what had happened. Did the slammed door mean Shindou was here? He had left the door unlocked, but Shindou was the only person he was really expecting today; Rie's visit had come as a complete surprise earlier. A burglar or some other vandal wouldn't have made such a loud noise in his entrance. He rose to check to see if Shindou had entered the apartment, but he found the entrance to be empty. Rie followed him to the door and looked out with him as he peered into the hallway. He looked at her and shrugged, masking his concern. Knowing she wanted an explanation, he made up a brief lie about Shindou having been asleep in his guest room. Why had Shindou come in and then left without saying anything? And why had he slammed the door? What was he angry about?

Akira watched silently as Rie prepared to leave. She was saying something about feeling guilty that she had shown up so suddenly and imposed on him for so long. Akira didn't really pay attention to her words, but he was slightly sad to see her leave. It was the first time in four years that he'd seen her, so he was glad to see that she had scribbled her number down on a piece of paper. He gave her a hug and closed the door after her departure.

Akira remained at the door for awhile and pondered the reason for Shindou's sudden and angry departure. He sighed disappointedly. He'd been looking forward to a relaxing evening of go with his best friend. He hadn't realized it until recently, but he'd really fallen for his fellow professional go player. It hadn't been intentional, but through the comfortable routine of seeing him so often and Shindou's insane personality, he had become irrevocably attached. Akira liked things the way they were and was loathe to incite change in his life. Still, he wished he could properly share and express his feelings without being awkward. If only, he sighed tiredly.

It was a shame though, Akira thought, that Shindou had run off without saying a word. Akira had wanted him to meet Rie. His cousin was his only real childhood companion growing up. Akira shook his head as if to clear his thoughts and headed for his kitchen.

* * *

Hikaru watched the occupants of the bar with bleary eyes. The alcohol had done its job; the pain in his chest from the insane jealousy had been numbed. He supposed he wasn't properly wasted, though, since he was still feeling pretty miserable. It had crept up as he was downing his drinks at the bar, and now it threatened to just drag him down into despair. Each person who had approached him only made him feel the pain of rejection all the more. He had realized tonight that he only wanted Touya and would never be able to see another in the same way.

It wasn't fair. How had he ended up in such a mess? Unrequited love was the worst. At least Touya didn't really know about all of this. Hikaru was sure that it would become awkwardly weird, even though they were both grown men. Touya was awfully conservative and old-fashioned that Hikaru was sure that he'd lose his best friend if Touya were to know about Hikaru's feelings. Of course he couldn't be too sure about the outcome, but he was almost positive that nothing would ever happen between them.

And that was the case now. He couldn't tell Touya that he was in love with him; the man might just have a heart attack from the shock. But he couldn't just let Touya go to that girl who was probably still sitting on that couch with him. That just wasn't fair. Just because his parents had an arranged marriage didn't mean Touya had to have one, or even get married at all. Ogata wasn't married yet, wasn't even really dating; those random women didn't count. Who said Touya had to get married too?

Hikaru sighed heavily. He knew he was just nursing his wounded pride with false hopes. Touya could only ever see him as a friend and he, Hikaru, was doomed to be stuck in this unrequited love probably for the rest of his days. As hard as it was not knowing, he didn't want to lose what he had now. At least he could still remain by Touya's side as a professional go player. As long as he could deal with that dark-haired beauty, things would turn out alright.

Suddenly, he felt the familiar vibration of his cell phone. Slowly, he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out the small electronic device. Touya's hand was flashing on the screen. He cringed at the familiar sighed; he knew Touya would be wondering why he had left without saying a word, or at least leaving a message saying that he couldn't make it today. There was a slight twinge of guilt, but it didn't make it past the numbing effects of the alcohol. Hikaru sighed and leaned back in his chair after pressing the ignore button.

He had never gone drinking like this before. He knew Ogata and occasionally Ashiwara went with some of the other pros to get drinks after games and tournaments, but the kids from his generation didn't do it quite as often. His alcohol-addled mind tried to figure out why he had just seen Isumi and Waya walk through the door of the bar.

The two didn't seem to notice him as they took seats at the very end of the bar in the corner. It seemed that Waya was troubled about something and Isumi was there to cheer him up with drinks. Hikaru wondered what had happened. Surely it wasn't job troubles; Waya had gotten to the second round of preliminaries at the Meijin tournament. It probably wasn't family either, as both of Waya's parents were doing just fine. No, it could only be some kind of relationship issue, Hikaru guessed. Was Akiyama mad at him? Hikaru knew they were only casually dating, but Waya seemed to really like the girl despite their three year age difference. He had to really be hurting to be going out drinking like this.

Hikaru signaled to the waitress for another drink. Vodka seemed to be the best choice tonight, since he didn't like sake or beer. Tequila and Jaeger were too strong and any of the girly drinks would be too light.

It seemed like Waya and Isumi appeared before him out of nowhere. He could see concerned expressions plastered to their faces and he tried to assure them that there was no reason to worry because he was just fine, but the words weren't coming out right. Was that funny-sounding voice his? His brain was feeling a little fuzzy, but he really wasn't concerned about it. Suddenly, he felt himself swaying dangerously in his chair and then he slid out of it. The floor came rushing up to meet him before everything went black.

* * *

Akira looked out the broad window of his apartment. His dark gaze was unfocused as he stared down at the city. He had spent the rest of the evening reviewing old kifu, but his heart hadn't really been into it. Disappointment and concern still swirled around his mind as he stood; he couldn't stop wondering where Shindou had gone off to and why. There was no plausible reason that Akira could think for such odd behavior; Shindou was one of the most cheerful and easy going people that he knew. Anger was uncharacteristically bizarre unless…

If Akira could assume that his rival liked him in a romantic way (and he was seventy-five percent sure he was correct), then he could also assume that Shindou was going to be protective of him and insecure about their relationship, especially if anything was to change. He had seen it in other couples, especially with Isumi and Takamura. Akira was sure that no matter how much Shindou liked him, he was afraid of losing his best friend. He wasn't willing to sacrifice what they had now for a chance at what they could have in a romantic relationship. Akira was sure that Shindou simply didn't think that he, Akira, returned the feelings. It was a common occurrence among best friends that happened to like each other.

Since Shindou had come into the apartment, he had probably seen Akira on the sofa with Rie and had flipped out. If that was the case, Akira thought, then Shindou had probably assumed the worst, that Rie was the one suitor that Akira had finally agreed to marry. Akira took a moment to put himself in Shindou's shoes and found himself feeling extreme disappointment and betrayal. If he, Akira, had walked into Shindou's apartment and had seen his best friend with an unknown girl, he probably would have become just as jealous and angry as Shindou probably was, more so with Shindou because of his tendency to assume things and blow them out of proportion. Akira had to admit, Shindou hadn't lost his impulsive behavior as he had grown older and it was quite bothersome at times.

Where had Shindou run off to then? His apartment was only a train stop away, but no one had picked up when he'd called earlier. Shindou hadn't picked up his cell phone either. Akira was worried, but not terribly so. Shindou was a grown man who could take care of himself. He didn't need Akira looking over his shoulder every second of the day like some bizarre older brother.

On the other hand, Shindou was one of the most impulsive, irrational, spontaneous people that Akira knew. He was known to make rash decisions when upset. It was something that often made their fights escalate. Akira had no idea what Shindou was thinking sometimes. He was a wild tornado of emotions, which had incidentally charmed Akira. He still wasn't sure how it had happened, but Shindou had really charmed his way into Akira's heart. He wouldn't deny that Shindou could be highly irritation and infuriation to end; they constantly argued and had silly squabbles over petty issues. But Shindou was an irreplaceable part of his life now; there was no mistaking it. If Akira had believed in soul mates, he would have said that Shindou was definitely his, through and through.

And then a thought occurred to him. If he was right in assuming that Shindou did indeed like him (and now he was nearly a hundred percent positive that he was), then what was stopping him from taking the next step in their relationship? Shindou spent so much time with him anyway that not much would really change. If he was wrong, then he would lose his friendship with Shindou, at least for awhile, but what if he was right. It was certainly better then whatever was going on now. Shindou really needed to stop jumping to such conclusions. If he had just asked instead of assumed as he did, Akira was sure neither of them would be alone right now.

There was a light vibration from the table. Akira went to answer his phone, expecting Shindou. To his surprise, it was Isumi. As he listened to the frantic rambling of the older boy, he guessed, from the words he could hear, that Shindou was in some kind of trouble. He cursed as he went to look for his coat. Suddenly, Waya's loud voice stopped him as it blared from the speaker of the phone. The red-haired go player shouted for Akira to stay put because they were bringing Shindou to his apartment since he lived the closest. Akira sighed and agreed as he went to unlock his door.

Akira took a seat on his sofa tiredly as he hung up the phone. What had Shindou gotten himself into this time? He sat on the sofa, awaiting the arrival of his friends. He would have to wait for Shindou to get here to sort through this whole mess.

* * *

Hikaru could feel awareness slowly returning to him. His body felt heavy, as if it had shut down on him. His head was pounding and each breath made it throb mercilessly. What had happened? Where was he? Knowing he could no longer fight it, he willed himself into full consciousness and opened his heavy eyelids.

Immediately he cringed and screwed them shut. The light by his head seemed to be blinding and it made the throbbing increase viciously. His mind seemed incapable of telling him what had happened. Obviously he was hung over, but where was he and how had he gotten there? The more he tried to remember, the more his brain hurt. Getting black-out drunk probably wasn't the best idea, but it was too late for that now.

"You're finally awake," a familiar voice said. Hikaru opened one eye just enough so he could see. There was his rival, standing over him. Hikaru was only slightly surprised to see such a relieved look at his face. He wondered what time it was.

As if he could read minds, Akira began to speak. "It's currently 4:30 in the morning. In case you were wondering, Isumi and Waya found you at a bar where you passed out. They bought you here since it was the closest," Akira explained slowly. He watched as Hikaru tried to sit up and look around the apartment. The normally wide eyes were squinting around the room. Akira realized that in his hung over state, Hikaru was probably in pain from the lamp. Reaching over, Akira hit the off switch.

Relief flooded Hikaru as the seemingly bright glow was shut off. It was easier now to get a good look around the room. He finally took a good look at Akira and muttered a quiet thanks. In turn, Akira handed him a glass of water and two pills, which Hikaru guessed were painkillers. He took them from his rival gratefully and ingested them without another word.

They sat in silence for awhile, neither knowing quite what to say. The memories had slowly come back to Hikaru and now he was stuck with the chest pain again. He hadn't wanted to face Akira so soon, but he supposed that was his punishment for not telling Akira that he wasn't coming or that he'd seen that girl. He sighed and started off with a quiet apology to Akira for not saying anything earlier.

"Shindou what's going on? Why did you leave my apartment in a huff and get wasted?" Akira asked quietly.

"It's nothing," Hikaru insisted as he scowled into the darkness. "I just felt like it, that's all."

"Shindou you can't lie to me. Something's bothering you. I know you came and left today without saying anything to me. You were angry about something. What's going on?" Akira demanded. He wasn't about to let Hikaru get away with lying to him.

"Why do you care? It's not like you're my mother," Hikaru bit out bitterly. He didn't want Akira to know that he was jealous of that girl, but he knew it was threatening to come out. In the back of his mind he cursed his inability to hide his emotions properly. It was something he envied of Akira. His friend was probably reading him better than he realized.

"Shindou, we're friends. Of course I care. I can't imagine why you think I wouldn't," Akira chided him gently. "Why didn't you just call me and tell me you couldn't make it at least?

Hikaru was quiet. Truth be told, he was dying to know who that girl was. He wondered if Akira was planning to tell him who she was and why he'd picked her. He did deserve to know right? If they were friends as Akira said they were, Akira would surely tell him.

"Who is she?" he asked into the darkness. His heart was suddenly pounding loudly in his chest, it seemed, and he no longer felt the headache. He looked at Akira in the darkness, but couldn't make out his expression.

In that room, Akira realized that Hikaru wasn't just jealous, he was deeply hurt. His voice was tinged with a bitter disappointment in knowing that he wasn't able to be the one staying by Akira's side. The impulsive go player had basically laid himself bare before Akira, vulnerable to whatever would be said. Akira wanted to smile at Hikaru's emotional side, but he knew that now probably wasn't the best time.

"If you're talking about the woman that was here for tea, that was my cousin. Rie was here to catch up. It was very impromptu which is why I wasn't able to tell you about it," Akira explained quietly. He knew then that their lives would change forever after tonight

Hikaru stared at his best friend. That girl was his cousin…so basically, he had suffered the feelings of a painful betrayal for nothing. The gods were probably laughing at his obvious but unfortunate misunderstanding. He swallowed hard.

"Your cousin…she was….so I went and got wasted…for nothing….my headache…for nothing," Hikaru whispered, trailing off into silence. His voice was almost silent, but it had rang out loudly in Akira's bedroom.

"Were you jealous, Shindou?" Akira whispered in response.

Hikaru felt his cheeks rise in temperature as he lowered his eyes to look at his lap. Should he tell Akira? There was no guarantee that he would be able to keep his friendship with Akira. But did he really want to spend the rest of his life without knowing how the other man felt toward him? He just couldn't go on without some kind of closure. He gave an affirmative answer in a barely audible whisper.

"What?"

"I said yes, damn it!" Hikaru burst out angrily. "There's no need to be cruel." His words were cold as they echoed off the walls of the room.

"Shindou…I didn't…Hikaru…"

Hikaru's body jerked in surprise and he turned his head sharply to look at Akira. Since when did they use first names to address each other? Was that supposed to signify something?

"You like me, don't you? I know. I think I've always known," Akira mused quietly, almost to himself. He probably shouldn't have said that aloud, he realized, but it was too late now. Things were changing and there was no way he could stop them. He watched Hikaru carefully, but discreetly to see his reaction.

Hikaru suddenly couldn't breathe at these words. His chest grew tight as he realized just what Akira was saying. There was no turning back now, He would have to make the full confession.

He spilled his guts about everything. The tears were starting to fall now, but he didn't care. He pressed on, sharing his feelings about the other go player in earnest. He told his best friend how he had dismissed his feelings as a part of the rivalry at first, how he hadn't really thought about how he really felt toward Akira. He finally got into the part of seeing that girl at Akira's side and realizing that though he would never be able to stand there like that, there was no one he'd rather support. He ended with a heartbroken apology and succumbed to his tears, burying his face in his arms as he brought his knees to his chest.

Akira watched as the man he loved broke down right before his eyes. He hadn't known that the love that Hikaru had for him ran that deep. It scared and excited him, for he wasn't alone in that love anymore. Akira felt he could finally express his feelings properly to his friend now that Hikaru had expressed his.

"What are you apologizing for?" Akira said quietly.

Hikaru looked up in slight surprise. "For ruining our friendship," he said miserably. What else could there be?

Akira looked at him and said, "does loving me disgust you?"

Hikaru didn't miss a beat as he said, "Does it digust you?" He was shocked to see Akira shake his head no. What was happening?

Akira sat on the bed and took Hikaru's hand. "I'm not very knowledgeable on things like this since I've never done it before, but I do know that it would be awfully hypocritical if I was disgusted by your feelings for me, seeing as I return them," he said gently. He was shaking as he said the words, but he had never felt more exhilarated in his life. Blood rushed through his veins, burning through him like wildfire. So this is what it was like to confess.

"Touya…"

Akira shook his head and whispered his first name to Hikaru. He reached for Hikaru's face, gently brushing away the tears from his cheeks. He had no idea if this was what Hikaru wanted, but he'd be damned if he sat back and watched his best friend cry.

"Akira," Hikaru said. He smiled at Akira and gripped the hand that held his, knowing that today was the first day of the rest of his life. And in the end, that was all he really needed to know.


End file.
